A Scientific Blind Date

This post is dedicated to fans of 2 greatest sitcoms, F.R.I.E.N.D.S and The Big Bang Theory. I took two most unique characters, one from each show and created a blind date.

If you need a back story, Sheldon loses a bet to Leonard and has to go on a date with whoever Leonard sets him up with. Phoebe accompanies Ross to a Paleontology conference  where Leonard, who is on a Physics conference, overhears her talking to Ross, and cannot think of anyone else who could be a worse blind date for Sheldon. Leonard talks to Ross and Ross agrees since Phoebe has been pestering him to set her up; neither Phoebe nor Sheldon has an idea of what they are in for (let's forget Mike and Amy for a minute there).

Scene 1
Setting: Phoebe's Apartment

Phoebe in her apartment, speaking over the phone.

Phoebe: Hey Mon, little change of plans; looks like I can’t come over to babysit the twins after all (listens) Well, you are the twins’ mother, and, well, that made me think about my mother and how she killed herself… (hesitates) alright, I have a date, but it’s Ross’s fault, he set me up… (hesitates) alright, I begged him to set me up… is that one of the twins crying? You should get that” hangs up and exhales.

Knock on door.

Knock knock knock

Voice: Miss Buffay?

Knock knock knock

Voice: Miss Buffay?

Knock knock knock

Voice: Miss Buffay?

Phoebe listens, puzzled; then opens the door.

Sheldon: Hi, I’m Sheldon Cooper.

Phoebe: HI, I’m Phoebe Buffay (holds out her hand).

Sheldon: (Stares at Phoebe’s hand) Aren’t you a masseuse?

Phoebe: I’m a guitar player, telemarketer, a womb rental one time, and yes, a masseuse.

Sheldon: Good Lord (walks down the hallway)

Phoebe: Good one, Phoebs (Follows Sheldon down the hall).

Scene 2

Setting: Street

Sheldon is waiting on the street. Phoebe drives down in her grandmother’s cab.

Phoebe: Hey, Sheldon, hop into my relaxi-taxi.

Sheldon (to himself): Like I’m going to relax in that. (gets into the car. to Phoebe): This is your car?

Phoebe: Well, it’s my grandmother’s car, but she sometimes lets me drive it. Would you like to say hi to her?

Sheldon: I only talk to my mee-maw. Other grandmothers are gross.

Phoebe: Come on, she’s right here! (takes out a box from under the seat) Grandma, meet Sheldon. Sheldon, say hi to my grammy.

Sheldon: This is your grandma?

Phoebe: Uh-huh

Sheldon: In the box?

Phoebe: Well, she’s… you know…dead.

Sheldon: How can you be sure she’s dead? Have you never heard of Schrodinger’s cat?

Phoebe: Well… my mom used to live in a cat once, but her owner’s name wasn’t (tries to remember) Dinger.

Sheldon: Oh dear. Schrodinger’s cat was a thought experiment on the interpretation of quantum mechanics. Let me dumb it down for you. You put a cat in a box and lock it, and until you open the box, the cat can be alive, or dead, or both. How do you know your grandma is dead without opening the box?

Phoebe; You would put a cat in a box? That is so cruel.

Sheldon: (to himself) I can’t believe I gave up going to the train store for this. (to Phoebe) Where’s the seat belt?

Phoebe: Oh yes, funny story, the paramedics had to cut through it. I’d get a new one, but grandma wants me to keep it the way she left it, you know?

Sheldon: (Jumps out of the car) I told Leonard I’d need my bus pants.

Phoebe: Bus pants? Are they like apartment pants you wear in a bus?

Sheldon: What are apartment pants?

Phoebe: Well, they’re like, you know, they’re… Hey, let’s go to Central Perk; it’s right here!

Scene 3:

Setting: Central Perk

Central Perk. Sheldon and Phoebe are sitting on the orange couch.

Phoebe: So, Sheldon Germaphobe Cooper, tell me more about you. Ross told me you’re a scientist, but he didn’t say much.

Sheldon: Of course he didn’t Ross Geller studies dead things that are of no importance. I doubt he’d understand my research, the complex study of the whole universe.

Phoebe: Wow, so you study God?

Sheldon: As much as my mother would love that, no. I’m a theoretical physicist. I used to study string theory, but now I study Dark matter.

Phoebe: You know, I’m not sure that’s a good idea. There’s so much dark matter in the world. I know, you should study love!

Sheldon: I should’ve gone on a date with Penny.

Phoebe: Hey do you want coffee?

Sheldon: Sure, I’ll have coffee. Then maybe I’ll have coitus with Kim Kardashian, who, as Penny informs me, has buttocks the size of (Phoebe stares) I’ll have a hot chocolate, please.

Phoebe: (Placing a mug in front of him) Here you go.

Sheldon: Heated to 120 degrees?

Phoebe: Yes.

Sheldon: Cocoa Powder and not chocolate syrup?

Phoebe: Yes.

Sheldon: Extra Sugar?

Phoebe: Yes.

Sheldon: I don’t see marshmallows. You missed them.

Phoebe: I’ll get you some (in undertone) you crazy freak.

Sheldon: Never mind, it’s ruined. And I’m not crazy, my mother had me tested.

Phoebe: So tell me, do you date much?

Sheldon: I date Science, much like Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein.

Phoebe: Don’t get me started on Newton. And who’s Einstein?

Sheldon: You don’t know Albert Einstein? Where did you go to school?

Phoebe: Well, after my mother killed herself and my stepdad was back in prison, and I was living in the streets, I had trouble concentrating at school, you know.

Sheldon: When you’re done with your chatter, that’s Albert Einstein (shows image on phone).

Phoebe: That’s not the Albert guy, that’s my grandfather!

Sheldon: (Stares dubiously, then makes a phone call) Leonard, take me home.

Phoebe: You’re leaving?

Sheldon: Yes. I suddenly miss my friends.

Phoebe: Will you call me?

Sheldon: Are you my mother?

Phoebe: No

Sheldon: Are you Stephen Hawking? Professor Proton? My paediatrician? My dentist?

Phoebe: (Emphatically) No!

Sheldon: Then why on earth would I call you?

Phoebe: Never mind.

Sheldon: Well, Leonard should be here any moment. I’d say it was nice meeting you, but since it really wasn’t, goodbye.

Phoebe: (holds out hand) Goodbye, Sheldon.

Sheldon: (Hesitates, gingerly touches her hand, withdraws it and sprays hand sanitiser) Goodbye (Leaves)

Phoebe: Wow, that was like second base with this guy.